Alone In A Strange Place

Today ranks as one of the saddest days of my life. Other than deaths in my immediate family and break-ups with previous relationships, the feeling of sadness and being alone combined to make it rough for me.

I chose a very public place to break the news to him that it was over for us. I hated to blindside him but I don't know how else to do it. I was hoping that by being in public, it would help both of us contain our emotions. I wrote everything down, asked him to read it and he read it twice to make sure he understood. I was watching his face the whole time and it told me everything I needed to know. He said he understood. We put up our brave fronts, kissed and then hugged. And then he walked away. It was over...

As I walked away, I realized that I was shaking and was close to tears. But since I chose to do this, I convinced myself that I will be fine. I even went shopping afterwards!

In the evening, my cell phone was stolen at an Internet cafe. I had to go to a police station to identify the guys who had something to do with it. But of course the phone was gone. Then I panicked. The only phone number that I have memorized was his so I called him. I told him what happened and he came right away. Once everything was settled and I was relaxed, he went home.

Alone in a hotel room, I started thinking of what just happened that day. And I started to break down and cry. He could have chosen to ignore my call or hang up on me or called me names. I would have understood. After what I did to him, he still was there when I needed him. And so the tears came...

I needed to cry because I couldn't cry in front of him earlier. All these emotions I kept hidden and bottled up until I couldn't contain them any longer. This is when I felt the saddest and most alone in a place surrounded by strangers. I cried because the one person that I thought would be there wasn't. I cried because the one person who have loved me the most is now gone from my life. I cried because I began to second guess myself and started thinking if I made the right decision. I cried because of sheer exhaustion.

Some people thought I've gone mad. I am not stupid enough to even think that I would harm myself. But they felt they needed to be there for me. So I let them. But I wanted to be alone and be with my misery and wallow in self pity... I wanted to be alone so I can hear myself think.

To my prince in shining armor: thank you for everything. You have no idea how much you mean to me. But the most important and reassuring feeling for me is realizing that I did love you.